10 things I learned from my first experience with Polyamory

I recently had my first experience with a new male lover. This was a big moment for me, not just as a 💕polyamorous💕 person, but also as someone who loves pushing personal boundaries. I believe in hands-on experience before offering advice, and this experience gave me plenty to reflect on.

While I don’t want to spill too many personal details, I will happily share my reflections and key takeaways. So let’s answer 9 most common questions about navigating an open relationship, using my recent experience as a learning moment 📝.

⏩️ Click here for a Summary of these 10 lessons.

#1 Do you introduce yourself as open/poly when you meet potential partners?

Yes. I’m polyamorous, bisexual, and a bit of a brat. I am upfront and transparent about it, because my goal is not to make a potential partner feel ‘comfortable’ with my identity, but to find a partner who IS comfortable with me. 💯

I’m not interested in the emotional labor of convincing anyone to accept who I am.

Though my new lover came from a closed monogamous background, I didn’t need to guide him through whether he could handle being with someone open/poly. From the start, he approached us with curiosity and openness, free of expectations. He embraced our similarities without trying to erase our differences. Instead of asking ‘what are we’ or where this should go, his was okay with us just exploring and discovering each other without the pressure to define it.

#2 How do you ensure a new partner is ok with your existing relationships?

In this case, my lover knew about my partner from the very beginning. Nevertheless, I picked up the topic explicitly, to make it clear that I love and desire my primary partner, while also being very attracted to him. This was a gentle nudge to gain insight into his feelings about my ongoing relationships, because (again) I’m not interested in pursuing someone who isn’t comfortable with my polyamorous identity.

A red flag 🚩 would’ve been if he treated my existing relationship as competition or avoided conversations about my partner, pretending he didn’t exist. To my surprise, this wasn’t the case. My lover was open to hearing about how my polyamorous relationship worked, and didn’t try to downplay the time I spend with my partner.

I know that polyamory can be a lot to process, but having vulnerable, open and honest communication came naturally with him. This gave me confidence in his ability to handle the complexities of polyamory and helped avoid misunderstandings or resentment later on.

#3 How do you divide your time/energy between multiple partners?

And this is how it is. Right now, I’m spending more time with my new lover, and it’s partly because, well, he’s new.

In polyamory, we call it “new relationship energy” (NRE) which is this exciting, all-consuming feeling you get from being with someone new. It naturally makes you want to spend more time with a new partner to explore your connection. While it is okay to put a little extra energy into new relationships, don’t ghost your existing ones! 🚫

➡️ Common mistake to avoid: It's easy to rush into NRE with a desire to spend every possible minute together, which can result in (prematurely) moving in, planning vacations, or making big decisions that tie you to each other and make it a little ugly if things don't work out.

Try to deliberately ✨slow things down✨. Give yourself time to see how the first 6-months go before making any major decisions. If this partner really is as good as they seem - they will also be there in 6months. If not, well you saved yourself from a potential disaster. 😬

#4 How do you handle jealousy?

Jealousy is a big concern for a lot of monogamous people, and it’s understandable. In monogamy you really go all-in on one partner, so it makes sense that people would feel protective and possessive, and assume those feelings would just multiply with multiple partners.

While jealousy does come up in polyamory, it’s much less of a concern than it is in monogamy.

Jealousy often stems from a sense of scarcity or fear of losing something — whether that's love, attention, or security. The trigger itself often reveals personal insecurities due to past experiences, rather than the supposed behaviour of your partner.

Example: you actually don’t feel jealous because your partner is talking to someone attractive, you feel jealous because you fear your partner might find them more attractive than you. The real trigger is your own insecurity, or the fear of being replaced. 💔

Jealousy will come up in any relationship dynamic, but the important thing is how you handle it. When my partner heard about my new lover, he admitted feeling a bit jealous. But the way he explained it was beautiful: “I’m not jealous because I want you to stop. I’m jealous because I want to experience something like that, too.”

This reframing of jealousy—where it's about introspection and self-reflection, instead of trying to control or limit your partner’s actions, changes everything ❤️.

#5 What happens if one of your partners is feeling neglected or insecure?

Trying to balance time & energy between multiple partners, making sure everyone feels cared for, and still managing my own life—can be a lot. 😅 The most important tool I’ve learned is communication. I don’t assume how my partners feel—I ask.

For example, if my partner seems distant, I don’t jump to conclusions. I simply say, “You seem a bit distracted. Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?” By naming what I observe, without assuming the cause, I invite my partner to share. It might be that they still need time to process their own emotions and will prefer to pick this topic up later when they are ready.

No-one can (nor should!) anticipate or predict their partner’s needs and emotional state, it’s just too much emotional labor. This is why it’s important to ASK for what you need, when you need it, and let your partner have the responsibility to communicate if they want or need something. I discovered long time ago that I get so much more love, sex, and attention when I just ask for it! ❤️🔥

PS: Having vulnerable and open conversations starts with making your partners feel safe to talk to you - this means being aware of your own emotional reactions to hearing things that you may not like, and thanking them for telling you anyway.

#6 What if you fall in love with your lover?

I don’t see how is that a problem? I can love as many people as I desire, and I definitely don’t stop myself from falling in love.

This question sounds a bit like a friend asking “what if you make other friends”. It’s ridiculous to think that I should somehow only love one person because otherwise the other feels… what? Jealous?(Re-read #4).

So yes, I love my lover and I love my partner too. However, “loving” someone is not an indicator of a relationship that I have with that person. You can love someone and not be in a relationship with them. You can also be in a relationship with someone you don’t necessarily love. 🤷‍♀️

#7 Can a lover ruin your relationship?

No. The only person who can ruin my relationships (surprise, surprise) is me. Sure, my partner can decide not to be with me anymore, just as I can decide to break up with him. However, these decisions would happen regardless of my lover.

If my relationship is struggling, it's likely due to other issues that would be present even without other people involved. A lover does not magically create these problems; however they might help bringing out problems that already exist. It’s then up to me and my partner to address and fix the issues 🛠️💞.

#8 What if your parter changes their mind and wants to be monogamous?

If my partner or lover decided they wanted to be monogamous, that’s their choice. Monogamy is about having one partner, and if someone I’m with wants to commit to only me, that’s their decision. However, that doesn’t mean I have to be monogamous.

It is possible for a monogamous person to remain monogamous (having one partner) while allowing their partner to have other partners. This dynamic is called mono-poly = a monogamous person in a relationship with a polyamorous person. ❤️

BUT the hard truth is that many monogamous people often struggle to accept the idea of their partner having other interests 😬. So if exclusivity is something my partner demands, then it’s time to consider ending the relationship with them, and allowing them and myself pursue something different, and that’s okay. No-one should compromise their identity or needs for the sake of maintaining peace.

#9 How do you define ‘cheating’ in a dynamic where everything is allowed?

In monogamy, the idea of cheating is pretty straight-forward, usually defined as engaging in any romantic or sexual activity without your partner’s knowledge or consent. So, how do you define cheating in a dynamic where everything is allowed? 💬

For me, cheating isn’t about the act of being with someone else physically or emotionally—it’s about violating the trust, agreements, or boundaries that we have established.

Examples of betrayal might be having unsafe sex or bringing a lover into a space that is reserved only for your partner. When these things happen, I've learned to always value the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it is, over secrecy. If my partner makes a mistake, I’d prefer they tell me about it asap.

👉️ While mistakes are human, lying about them is a choice.

Summary of 10 lessons:

1. Always be upfront about your identity when meeting potential partners to find those who are genuinely comfortable with it.

2. Don’t minimize your existing relationships if you want a partner who is comfortable with your open/polyamorous lifestyle.

3. Use a 6-month rule before you make any major decisions in new relationships.

4. Use jealousy as a reflection of your own personal insecurities rather than your partner’s actions.

5. Practice open and direct communication, and be mindful of your reactions to uncomfortable topics.

6. You can fall in love with as many people as you like.

7. Relationship issues develop because of internal factors, and not external factors.

8. A mono-poly relationship is possible but not if it requires one of you to compromise your needs.

9. Cheating is about breaking established trust, agreements or boundaries.

10. Mistakes are human, lying is a choice.

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌