From Default Monogamy to Conscious Decisions.

In Today’s issue:

🔒 Monogamy, yes but…
🔍 From default mode to conscious decisions
👉 8 different types of monogamy.
📝 Troubleshooting: reasons why monogamous relationships may fail
🎯 5 relationship types beyond monogamy to try

What exactly is monogamy?

Monogamy is a closed relationship where two individuals exclusively commit to each other both romantically and sexually.

👉 Suitable for: Monogamous relationships are suitable for individuals who prioritize stability and security, and value exclusivity over the pursuit of sexual novelty and exploration.

✅ Pros:

• Monogamy is founded on commitment to being faithful and devoted exclusively to each other.

• Monogamous relationships often provide a sense of emotional security and stability due to the exclusivity between partners.

• Monogamy aligns with traditional cultural and societal norms, making it easier to navigate individual and social expectations.

• Exclusivity can lower the risk of STIs when both partners are faithful.

❌ Cons:

• Exclusive commitment to one partner may lead to feelings of jealousy or insecurity for any perceived threat to the relationship.

• Possible lack of variety in sexual experiences may lead to feelings of boredom or dissatisfaction.

• Differences in sexual desires or needs may arise, causing tension or conflict within the relationship if not addressed openly.

• Pressure to anticipate and fulfill all of your partners emotional and physical needs is unsustainable and unrealistic.

• Infidelity, if caused by the strict structure of monogamy itself, can corrode the relationship and be insuperable.

Let’s talk about if and which type of monogamy is for you.

There are two ways to experience monogamous relationships

Most individuals adhere to the default monogamy setting without critically examining their personal desires or preferences. Monogamy as the default provides a clear and acceptable relationship structure to follow, without the need for introspection or self-analysis. This is also the reason why it might lead to feeling unsatisfied - monogamy may not fully align with your desires, needs and preferences, but you won’t know that until you question it.

Radical or Conscious monogamy, on the other hand, involves a deliberate exploration of your needs, values and preferences. It means doing the work of separating societal and cultural expectations from your own needs and desires, and consciously arriving to the conclusion that monogamous relationship is indeed (or maybe isn’t) the best choice for you.

Conscious monogamy:

• Encourages self-reflection and introspection

• Leads to a deeper understanding of one's desires and needs.

• Allows individuals to make intentional choices about the rules and rights in their relationship.

• Relationship structure based on personal values and preferences, and not on status-quo.

• Requires individuals to confront societal expectations and challenge deeply ingrained cultural biases.

• Involves facing external pressures and judgment regarding non traditional relationship choices.

• Understanding that there is no one relationship type that fits all.

Moving from default monogamy to conscious monogamy (or maybe even consensual non monogamy) starts with relationship education, learning about what really are your relationship needs and desires. You might find yourself in one of the following monogamy types either by accident or by choice. Either way, it's time to get conscious about it! 👀 

Which types of monogamous relationships are there?

1️⃣ True Monogamy - committing sexually and romantically to one person for life.

2️⃣ Serial monogamy - committing sexually and romantically to one person at the time.

3️⃣ Supposed monogamy - supposedly exclusive committed relationship, but there’s been infidelity.

4️⃣ Strict monogamy - monogamous relationship where partners don’t share their intimate thoughts and fantasies with each other, especially if it involves other people. Partners are “not allowed” to feel attracted to others and flirt or fantasise about others.

5️⃣ Hot monogamy - Partners are romantically and sexually exclusive, but share their fantasies and attractions about others. For example: pointing out attractive strangers, watching porn together, attending play parties where you can observe others but only have sex with each other.

6️⃣ Monogamish - A monogamous relationship that makes their own unique rules and rights; defining the “ish” is up to the couple. This relationship type allows play room, and can be a step towards exploring consensual non-monogamy.

7️⃣ Geographical monogamy - partners agree to maintain exclusivity while they’re physically available for each other, but allow for non-exclusivity when they are physically separated, such as during travel or periods of relocation. Also known as the "100-mile rule," where partners agree to pursue other romantic or sexual connections only when they are 100 miles apart.

8️⃣ Commerce: monogamish relationships in which sexual encounters outside the partnership are limited to sex workers. This includes individual sexual services, as well as couples who hire a sex worker for threesomes.

Blurring the lines

Troubleshooting: What happens when there is not enough communication and transparency in expressing needs, wants and preferences? You might find yourself in one of the following relationships or dare i say situationships!?

• False expectations: One partner may perceive the situation as monogamous relationship, despite the fact that there has never been a specific talk about being exclusive.

• Cheating: I often hear people say “cheating is anything that I don’t agree with”, however is it cheating if you never had the talk about what is and what isn’t acceptable? It’s really easy to feel betrayed if you never have the conversation. What constitutes cheating is not objective behaviour, but rather unique mutual agreement between each couple.

• Secrecy: Ask yourself, is your relationship secret or private? It is absolutely okay to have a private relationship, but be suspicious of moments when your partner is trying to keep the relationship a secret. That usually is a red flag 🚩.

• A committed sexual relationship doesn’t mean an exclusive relationship. For example: in a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship you might develop feelings and wish it to be exclusive, however that may not be the case for your friend.

• Unresolved conflict: Persistent issues or disagreements within the relationship that remain unaddressed or unresolved, creating tension and resentment to the point of no return.

• Blame Game: Partners may engage in a cycle of jealousy, suspicion, and false accusations of infidelity, because of the possessive nature of monogamy (“you're mine and I don't like to share”).

• Desire discrepancy: When exclusive monogamous relationships are the default, it’s easy to feel that you’re the bad guy for feeling sexual attraction and wanting to explore other connections.

This is why it’s important to question which type (if any) of the above mentioned monogamous relationships is ideal for you, and which (if any) is the preferred choice of your partner. Often we expect others to want the same things we do, instead of actually asking them about their needs and preferences. So communication is key!

PS: You and your partner can only communicate as clearly as the one with least communication skills. You might be excellent communicator, but if your partner isn’t, misunderstandings are easy to achieve.

Monogamous partners looking for sexual novelty while maintaining strong commitment and security in your relationship, try these variations beyond monogamy:

PS: these are 5 open monogamy types good for maintaining strong commitment while meeting your sexual exploration needs.

Swinging or partner swapping

Definition: a consensual arrangement in which couples in committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others, often two couples switching their partners. Swinging can be open (hooking up with anyone) or closed (e.g. hooking up only with the couple next door).

👉 Suitable for: Swinging is suitable for couples who are secure in their relationship and wish to enhance their sexual experiences together.

✅ Pros: Builds honesty, trust, and intimacy as partners navigate boundaries, desires, and preferences together. Offers a sense of community and support among like-minded individuals who share similar lifestyle (e.g.: swingers clubs, play parties).

❌ Cons: May pose challenges related to jealousy, insecurity, or boundary violations if communication and trust are not prioritized. Can lead to conflicts if partners have different levels of comfort or interest in swinging activities.

DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell) 

Definition: a relationship where partners prefer not to know about each others sexual or romantic activities outside the relationship.

👉 Suitable for: It may be suitable for couples who don’t want to limit each others sexual or romantic exploration, but are uncomfortable with hearing about it.

✅ Pros: Offers a sense of freedom and autonomy for individuals to explore connections outside the primary relationship without the pressure to disclose details or seek permission. Can help mitigate feelings of jealousy or insecurity, when done consciously.

❌ Cons: May lead to feelings of uncertainty or insecurity if partners are not fully transparent about their boundaries, or expectations with what is / isn’t allowed outside the relationship. May create a habit of secrecy or dishonesty.

Playing together

Definition: a form of open monogamy where partners engage in sexual activities together, for example: attending play parties or engaging in threesomes as a couple.

👉 Suitable for: Playing together is suitable for couples who prioritize shared experiences, trust, and open communication. It is ideal for those who are curious about exploring non-monogamy but also want to maintain a strong love bond with their partner.

✅ Pros: Sharing new experiences can strengthen emotional bond and intimacy between partners. Playing together allows couples to enjoy novel sexual experiences and explore different facets of their sexuality, desires and boundaries together in a safe and supportive environment.

❌ Cons: Despite mutual consent, you or your partner may not have the skills to deal with feelings of jealousy or insecurity that may arise during non-monogamous encounters. Doing it “for your partner” may lead to conflict, resentment, or regret.

Unicorn relationship

Definition: a "unicorn" relationship, involves a committed couple seeking a third with the intention of forming a triad (a relationship between three people where all members are romantically and/or sexually involved).

👉 Suitable for: Unicorn polyamory may appeal to heterosexual couples where one person, often woman, is bisexual and craves a relationship with both sexes.

✅ Pros: Each partner contributes to an increased support network and helps fulfill the needs and desires that might not get fulfilled otherwise.

❌ Cons: The couple may unintentionally prioritize their relationship over the third partner, leading to a hierarchy within the relationship. Introducing a new partner can amplify pre-exsisting problems instead of solving them. Unicorn relationships thrive on strong emotional intelligence and communication skills, that require effort to master.

Mono-open (My partner has a partner)

Definition: a relationship where one partner is monogamous (prefers to be committed to one partner) while the other is non-monogamous (engages in romantic or sexual relationships with others).

👉 Suitable for: Individuals who have differing preferences and needs regarding sexual or romantic variety, but are committed to maintaining their bond.

✅ Pros: Allows partners to honour their individual relationship preferences. Provides opportunities to deepen their love and commitment if partners manage to make it work despite differences in needs, boundaries and desires.

❌ Cons: Discrepancy in relationship preferences may lead to disagreements or conflicts. The mono partner may experience feelings of jealousy or insecurity in response to non-mono partner's relationships with others. The mono partner may feel pressured to pursue other relationships as well, even if it’s not something they’re interested in.

I bet you learned a lot from this article. Take time to reflect on the different ways to be monogamous and perhaps even having a conversation about going beyond monogamy.

🎯 Key Takeaway: If you choose to be monogamous, make sure it’s your conscious choice and preference, and not a default setting.

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. 📝 Work with me one-on-one (link)

2. 🚀 If you’re a coach, counsellor or therapist ready to launch your business, contact me for help: [email protected] 

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌
Sex Counselor