How to have sex with a penis that doesn’t get or stay hard? A Guide for Partners.

In this article:

➡️ Huge Mistake in Mainstream sex
👉 Should I be worried if the penis doesn’t get or stay hard?
✅ Tips on how-to have sex with a soft penis.
🍌 My favourite tip to alleviate condom-anxiety.

Related articles:

• Why my 🍆 is not getting or staying hard?

• Tired of feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or unsatisfied?

Huge mistake in mainstream sex

The biggest problem around sex is how ‘good’ or ‘successful’ sexual intercourse is measured. Often, penetration is the definition for ‘sex’ and ‘good sex’ is seen as one where the penetration lasts as long as possible. ICK.

➡️ Demoting sex to just penetration creates false expectations for individuals, as well as a performance anxiety for everyone involved!

Instead of being concentrated on the genuine intimacy and discovering different ways and places to feel pleasure, men are worried about “how long do I need to last” and women are worried about “is penetration going to be enough for me to orgasm!” And the answer is that no matter how long you penetrate, some (most!) women just don’t orgasm from penetration alone!

🎯 Key Takeaway: Judging sex based on the duration of the penetration is a huge mistake.

Should I be worried if my (partner’s) penis doesn’t get or stay hard?

Occasional or situational soft penises are not a problem or motive for concern. However they may become an issue if they persist and/or cause significant worry for you or your partner. If you are experiencing any persisting issues with the erection, it is important to talk to a doctor about possible physical and psychological causes.

🔍 Two reasons why men might be struggling with maintaining an erection are Sexual Performance Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction. Despite common misconceptions, Sexual Performance Anxiety is not a synonym for Erectile Dysfunction. However…

• ED can create Sexual Performance Anxiety

• Sexual Performance anxiety can lead to ED.

• ED and Sexual Performance Anxiety can co-occur.

🎯 Key takeaway: Not getting the perfect rock hard erection every time is absolutely normal and not a reason for concern. However, if you consistently struggle with getting or maintaining an erection, talk to a sex counsellor.

Read about ED and Sexual Performance anxiety.

Good News: Even if you struggle with getting or maintaining an erection, you don’t have to fear or avoid sex! 🎉

So let’s dive into it, how to have sex with penises that don’t get or stay hard.

Tip #1 Show love to soft penises.

Porn doesn’t show this, so most individuals aren’t aware, but you don’t need to wait until the penis is hard to start sex! Sex starts at foreplay, and foreplay starts with a soft dick.

Men love when you play with their penis while it’s still soft. Kiss it, show it love, get to know it. Show your partner that there’s no need to rush and that sex isn’t about getting fast, firm and long-lasting erections. Remember:

• It’s okay to take it slow and build up to the erection.

• It’s okay to lose erections.

• It’s okay to enjoy pleasure without an erection.

👉 Take the pressure off your partner’s penis. Just like women hate hearing “did you come”, men hate hearing “why isn’t it hard”. These comments are counterproductive and won’t help you reach a wanted destination faster.

Tip #2 It’s not personal.

Often individuals worry they’re “not attractive” or think that they somehow “failed to turn on a partner” when the partner’s penis doesn’t get the expected hardness. I’m here to tell you the factors that influence someones erection are rarely what we assume they might be. Your partner might just be tired, or they might’ve masturbated recently, or maybe they’re distracted or stressed about work, or just too nervous to perform.

(Not) getting an erection is a combination of various factors, and it’s important to remain supportive, and reassure your partner that You still love them even if their penis isn’t performing at its peak. Don’t make the mistake of making his loss of erection about you, and don’t make it a big deal out of it, know that bodies sometimes don’t exactly do what we expect them to.

Tip #3: Explore new and alternative ways to enjoy pleasure.

When the penis is not hard enough for penetration, don’t be afraid to try something new. Why not consider enjoying some soft penis play, including and prolonging foreplay through sensual touching, caressing, and exploring each other's bodies and it’s erogenous zones?

👍 Focus on forms of sexual activities that don’t require a hard penis. Such as:

• massages

• tantric sex

• oral sex

• mutual masturbation

• prostate play

• porn movie nights

For an added element of excitement, experiment with incorporating sex toys into your playtime. Explore the sensations offered by vibrators, cock-rings, or fleshlights, and discover together what heightens pleasure and arousal.

 🎯 Key takeaway: Intimacy is not dependent on penetration alone. By prioritizing emotional connection, communication, and shared experiences, you can maintain a fulfilling and satisfying relationship with your partner, regardless of the current state of penile rigidity.

Tip #4: Support

The men who have the biggest success rate in overcoming erection issues are those whose sexual partner plays an active and supportive role. If struggling to maintain an erection is a problem that persists, or is causing distress to you, your partner or your relationship, consider reaching out for help.

📝 A sex counsellor can help identify factors contributing to the issue, whether they are physical, psychological, or relational. There are many specific strategies, techniques, and lifestyle changes couples can do to improve erections. Facing the problems together is shown to create better results, as it builds intimacy, communication and understanding between partners ✅.

Tip # My FAVOURITE

Some partners lose the erection when trying to put on a condom. If your partner struggles to put on a condom and you sense it's causing them discomfort or anxiety, then this tip is for you. Avoid staring at them, which might make them feel self-conscious. Instead, gently take the condom and offer to put it on for them.

🔞🍌 If you're comfortable, try putting on a condom with your mouth, hands-free! This way your partner can enjoy the sensation of your lips on their penis and forget about the condom-anxiety! 💦

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌
Sex Counselor