In this article:

Is your partner ideal for You?

Have you ever wondered if your partner is truly the right fit for you? This article will guide you through a series of steps to help you assess your relationship and determine if your partner is ideal for you.

Step #1: Self-reflection

Before assessing the compatibility of your partner, it's crucial to reflect on your own values, beliefs, and desires in a relationship.

The BIG MISTAKE —> Not having an anchor.

One of the biggest mistakes is using past relationships as a point of reference when looking for a new one.

Most people have a sense of what went wrong in their past relationships; and seek partners who demonstrate maturity in situations that mirror those past challenges. Why is this a HUGE MISTAKE? Because…

When your point of reference is external (like an ex), you are constantly comparing and contrasting potential partners against a past experience and not a future ideal.

How can you fix this?

To break free from this pattern, it's crucial to shift your point of reference from external factors, like your past relationships, to internal factors, such as your own needs, values, and desires. Instead of setting the bar low, and being satisfied when you raise it, set the bar at your desired ideal and go for it.

Step #2: Have your own anchor.

Your past experiences or current relationship status shouldn't dictate what you crave for in a partner. Instead, your point of reference should always be your own values, needs, and desires, which are dynamic and subject to change over time.

🎯 Key takeaway: Self-awareness is the first step towards understanding what you truly want and need in a relationship.

📝 Mental exercise: Whether you’re in a relationship or not, set aside time to define how your ideal partner looks and behaves like. Think about what YOU would want in your ideal partner and from your ideal relationship. Try to really get into the nitty-gritty, be honest with yourself, and reflect on the following:

1. What would your ideal partner be like? What lifestyle they have? What they believe in? What values they represent?

2. How do you imagine your ideal partner physically and emotionally? Consider their appearance, attitude, and what turns you on and off.

3. What would being in a relationship with your ideal partner feel like? Reflect on the level of security you desire, what activities you engage in, and expectations regarding sex.

4. What type of relationship do you want? Do you want someone who is strictly monogamous? Do you want multiple partners (consensual non monogamy)? Or maybe occasional threesomes?

5. Identify the needs you have, which ones could you fulfil independently? Which needs you hope your partner to fulfil for you? Determine which needs of your partner you're eager to meet?

6. How does your ideal partner communicate? How do they handle conflict? How do they show love and appreciation?

Reflect and write down your answers to each of these questions, and you’ll gain some clarity around what are your needs, desires and preferences regarding a partner, and how would you like your ideal relationship to be like. Use this as your anchor to see where you stand and how much do you need to sacrifice to meet your partner half-way.

Step #3: is your partner ideal for You?

Is your partner ideal for you? This is a scary question that not many people are willing to answer honestly. If you’re in a relationship, take a deep breath in…. and out. Reflecting on your relationship compatibility and potential might bring up strong emotions, and you might even avoid continuing with this step. But when you’re ready, this article awaits you.

🎯 Key takeaway: the discomfort of questioning your relationship's compatibility is far easier than the discomfort of being in a relationship that lacks compatibility.

📝 Metal exercise: While looking at the description of your anchor (ideal partner description), try to honestly answer the following questions:

1. Does your partner represent these traits and qualities that you seek?

2. Does your partner work on themselves to get closer to your ideal?

3. And if they don’t, are you willing to give up those needs, preferences and desires you have?

If the answer to these questions is “YES!” your partner is the perfect fit for you. However, if the answer to these questions is “No”, you have to consider how and whether you want to continue this story.

MIND The Gap

Should I stay or should I go? Making decisions about the current and future state of your relationship can be hard.

📝 Here’s another mental exercise to get you to reflect on the size and type of gaps between your ideal relationship and your current situation. Try to identify the discrepancies in your relationship using the ‘MIND the gap’ technique that I invented:

• M - Minor Gaps: These are small differences between your ideal relationship and your current situation. While present, they don't significantly impact your overall happiness and satisfaction, unless they start adding up and bothering you over time.

• I - Intermittent Gaps: These are gaps that keep popping up every now and then. These pop-up arguments are not constant, but for their repetitive nature can create dissatisfaction, and may make you second guess the direction of your relationship.

• N - Noteworthy Gaps: These gaps are impossible to ignore and spark frequent conversations or conflicts. The more you try to fix it, the more noteworthy the gap seems to get.

• D - Deep Gaps: These are the Grand Canyon of differences in your relationship. They're profound and require some deep work from both sides to overcome.

🔍 Recognising that the relationship may not align with your core values is a form of self-care. Take this realisation as an opportunity for growth and a chance to build a relationship that resonates better with who you are and what you seek.

2 KEY TRAITS that I look for in a partner.

Before even considering a potential partner, I focus on two key traits. First, do they take shortcuts, or are they committed to putting in the work? Second, how do they handle change—are they adaptable or resistant?

🚩 I firmly believe that a partner who cuts corners won't invest the effort needed to overcome challenges, while one who resists change will undermine your personal growth.

🎯 Key takeaway: A supportive partner would never be intimidated by your growth, even if this means you might outgrow them.

Choose the path and partner that is best for you. It’s never too late to start having the relationships you desire to be in.

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌