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Not in the mood: Understanding Sexual Desire
In this artcle:
Introduction
Sexual desire, often referred to as libido, is a complex interplay of psychological, physiological, and social factors. People have very different sex drives, for some having sex or masturbating 1-2 times a month is enough, others need it 2-3 times a week or even 2-3 times per day, almost every day. All these sexual desires are completely normal. So how can we define “low libido”? What does that mean? 🤔
Low libido is when your desire to have sex drops significantly, maybe you used to have sex every week and now you barely manage to have sex once a month. Some clients come to me with ‘low desire’ problem and they have sex twice a week! However, if you look at their relationship history, they used to have sex everyday or even multiple times a day, so having 3 no-sex days in a row feels abnormal to them. Addressing the underlying reasons for these changes can help couples be more in tune with themselves and each other.
How to boost your libido?
In order to boost your libido, you need to understand the motives what suppress it. Some individuals’ sexual desire will rise during or after an argument, while others get completely turned off by it. There are individuals whose sexual desire helps them to regulate their levels of stress and tension, while others cannot even think about sex when they’re stressed. So to boost your libido, you need to be able to:
1️⃣ Define what is normal sexual drive FOR YOU.
2️⃣ Know exactly what turns you on and off.
3️⃣ Recognise and adapt to changes over time.
Learn to understand why you’re not in the mood.
How Strong is Your Desire? I designed this quiz to give you a general idea of your current state of libido. It considers various factors that can influence sexual desire, ranging from mental health to relationship dynamics. Go through the list and think which items affect your desire and which do not.
12-Point Libido Quiz: How Strong is Your Desire?
Instructions:
Read each statement carefully.
Consider your current situation and experiences.
Award yourself points based on which statement most accurately describes your current situation. Be honest with yourself!
Add up the points.
Use the total score at the end to understand your desire.
Q #1: Mental Wellbeing:
0 points: Feeling depressed, stressed, anxious, distracted, dissociated, burnt-out or struggling with a chronic mental health condition.
1 point: Managing your stress levels and your mental health, but still experiencing occasional changes in mood or energy levels.
2 points: Feeling generally grateful, optimistic and energetic. You have strategies for managing difficult emotions and prioritise self-care.
Q #2 Physical Wellbeing & Hormonal Factors:
0 points: Taking any medication, antidepressants, or hormonal birth control that decreases your libido as a side-effect; or managing a chronic illness that might be affecting your desire (e.g., Polycystic ovary syndrome, Thyroid disorders, Heart conditions…).
1 point: Skipping meals, restrictive diets or intermediate fasting (disrupts women’s hormonal cycle), sedentary lifestyle, smoking, drinking alcohol over the daily recommended dose.
2 points: You live a healthy and active life, and none of these factors are affecting your libido.
Q #3 Relationship & Household Dynamics:
0 points: Frequent arguments with partner, unequal distribution of household chores, or feeling like the primary caretaker.
1 point: Occasional issues in these areas.
2 points: Relationship is secure, household responsibilities are shared fairly, and no caretaking burden.
Q #4 Partner & Attraction:
0 points: You don't find your partner attractive or feel a significant decline in attraction. And/or your partner’s poor hygiene is a turn-off.
1 point: Your find your partner attractive but they are not initiating sex, or frequently reject your advances when you initiate sex.
2 points: You find your partner attractive, they're reciprocating intimacy, and hygiene isn't an issue.
Q #5 Sexual Satisfaction:
0 points: Sex is unsatisfying, emotional/physical foreplay is lacking or rushed, fairness in giving/receiving is lacking, and achieving orgasm is unlikely.
1 point: There is adequate emotional foreplay or romance for you to turn on, but physical foreplay is lacking or rushed.
2 points: There is adequate emotional foreplay and physical stimulation for you to turn on.
3 points: Sex is enjoyable, there is adequate emotional foreplay and physical stimulation for you to turn on, and the amount of giving/receiving is fair, but you’re unlikely to achieve an orgasm.
4 points: Sex is exciting, with emotional and physical foreplay meeting your needs, balanced giving/receiving, and you’re likely to achieve an orgasm.
Scoring:
0-5 points: Low or no sexual desire.
6-9 points: Sexual desire is somewhat disrupted.
10-12 points: Sexual desire should be high.
If you scored less than 10 points, revisit the areas where you scored zero or one point, to see what is affecting your libido the most.
📌 Disclamer: This quiz is for informational purposes only and doesn't replace professional consultation. If you're concerned about your libido, consider booking an appointment with a sex counsellor or consult with a healthcare professional for personalized recommendations.
Here are most common reasons for a low libido:
(1) Mental health 🧠🧘♀️
Mental health is deeply connected with sexual desire. Stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges can significantly impact our libido. It’s important to resolve these concerns through therapy, lifestyle changes and medication where necessary.
(2) Physical health 💪🫀
Changes in hormonal levels due to age, pregnancy, menopause, medical conditions, medications, and the changes during prolonged stress, fatigue, or dieting, all affect sexual desire. Maintaining good physical health through regular exercise, balanced meals, and adequate sleep can boost your libido.
(3) Hormonal Birth control 🔍
Some women report a noticeable decrease in libido after starting oral contraceptives. This decrease in sexual desire can be attributed to the way these contraceptives influence the levels of sex hormones—estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone—to prevent pregnancy. These hormonal changes can disrupt the natural balance of sex hormones in the body. If you suspect that your contraception is affecting your libido, consult with your healthcare provider and consider addressing stress and lifestyle factors to support a healthy sexual desire.
(4) Lifestyle 💤
Lifestyle choices such as poor sleep quality, unhealthy or restrictive diets, alcohol consumption, smoking, drug use and lack of exercise can all contribute to a rise in cortisol levels & decrease in libido.
(5) Relationship dynamics 💋
Relationship issues, frequent or prolonged arguing, not feeling loved, or feeling unsupported by your partner can decrease sexual desire.
(6) Partner 👀
Having a partner you find physically and emotionally attractive plays a key role in sexual desire. If you're not attracted to your partner, it can be difficult to initiate sex. The way your partner takes care of their appearance, health and hygiene can increase or decrease your libido significantly. Another important factor that plays a role in turning you on/off is and the way your partner initiates sex or responds when you initiate sex.
You should never feel obliged or pressured to have sex, and your partner should not insist on it after you say you’re not in the mood. Feeling coerced to have sex can create a sense of resentment and silently ruin your relationship. ➡️ It’s essential to address these issues openly and seek help if necessary. A counsellor can help you and your partner develop healthier communication patterns in a way that respects the boundaries and strengthens your love-bond.
🎯 Key takeaway: True consent is only possible when "no" is a viable option. That means, you can trust that your partner desires to have sex only if they feel comfortable saying 'no' without feeling guilty. Pressuring someone into feeling guilty or bad if they say no, is not consent, it’s coercion.
(7) Sexual satisfaction
Past sexual trauma, current and past bad sexual experiences, or sex where achieving an orgasm is unlikely creates frustration and can lead to low desire and avoidance of sex.
🎯 Awareness of the problem is the first step towards change.
7 ways to boost your libido today
Low libido affects both individual well-being and relationship satisfaction. Understanding and addressing the factors that influence sexual desire is key to maintaining a healthy horny sex life. Here’s what you can do:
🧘♀️ Reduce Stress. Stress is a major libido killer. High levels of stress can lead to elevated cortisol levels, which negatively impact sex hormones. Try detaching from work, practice mindfulness or meditation, sweat regularly through exercise or sauna, and include little moments of pleasure and rest throughout the day.
🍏 Natural supplements: Some people find that certain ingredients such as maca root, ginseng, or ashwagandha can boost hormonal health and libido. These natural ancient remedies have been used for centuries to enhance sexual desire and vitality. However, I recommend consulting with a healthcare provider before taking any supplements to avoid any complications or contraindications.
😈 Try new things. Boredom and routine can diminish sexual desire over time. Experiment with different sexual activities, positions, or toys to keep things exciting.
👅 Aphrodisiacs: Foods like dark chocolate, oysters, and spicy foods are traditionally believed to have libido-boosting properties. Eat food that brings you pleasure and turns you on, and avoid food that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body.
😍 Sensory experiences: Incorporate things like sensual massages, candles, perfumes, and sex music to create a relaxing and stimulating environment.
📚 Educate yourself: Read books, take courses or attend workshops on sexuality to learn how to boost your own or your partners bedroom pleasure.
✅ Sex Counselling: couples counselling can help if you are in a healthy relationship that lacks sexual desire and compatibility, or you are sexually very compatible but the relationship is not very healthy. To put it in simple terms:
Good Relationship, Bad Sex: a counsellor can help you identify why there’s a lack of sexual satisfaction, address unspoken needs, and propose new, more effective ways to be intimate.
Good Sex, Bad Relationship: if you have a strong sexual connection but the relationship itself is often heated and conflictual, counselling can help you learn how to better communicate with each other.
Underlying medical conditions
👉 It’s always good to rule out any underlying medical conditions, so if you’ve tried various methods and still experience low libido, it might be wise to seek help from a doctor.
Medical evaluation: Loss of sexual desire might be a result of any underlying medical conditions, such as diabetes, thyroid disorders, or polycystic ovary syndrome. Consult with a healthcare provider to check for any underlying conditions that may be affecting your libido.
Sex therapy: A sex therapist can diagnose and treat any underlying sexual dysfunctions, and provide strategies and techniques to enhance sexual desire and intimacy where necessary.
When you're ready, here's how I can help:
Learn more (link)
My kink is to see YOU thriving.
Helina Metsik 💌
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