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Solo-pleasure: Is the way I masturbate weird?
In this article:
📚 Unlearning solo-pleasure shame.
👉 Solo-pleasure is not inferior to partnered pleasure.
📝 5 reflection exercises
✅ Building confidence through solo-pleasure.
💦 Masturbate in a weird way.
🔍 7 Tips to upgrade your solo-pleasure.
Solo-pleasure is a powerful way to self-regulate and connect with your own body and emotions, to move and release that energy. Self-pleasure is learning about yourself and becoming your own lover.
Yet, many of us hide from self-pleasure. We close the curtains, turn off the lights, lock the doors and hide under the blanket — to avoid seeing ourselves and our bodies enjoying the only type of pleasure that is rightfully ours.
There are many reasons why you might have started to feel guilty for solo-pleasure, but you continue to feel ashamed of the way you masturbate because it often doesn’t match the bodies, faces, moans and movements you see in free online porn. Being okay with solo-pleasure without feeling any shame before, during, or after is not a common experience.
Let’s deep dive into exactly how much solo-pleasure shame you carry around and how can you start dumping that shame.
Unlearning solo-pleasure shame.
Most people are carrying around baggages of shame that forbids them to board the airplane of pleasure. Leaving that baggage behind involves separating the stigma that society is projecting on you from the way that You feel about solo-pleasure.
Lesson #1: Solo-pleasure is not inferior to partnered pleasure.
One of the most common themes I see is that individuals compromise their solo-pleasure in favour of partnered pleasure.
➡️ Which one of the following situations describes you?
A. You rarely masturbate, even when you’re single.
B. You masturbate when single or dating, but not when in a relationship.
C. You masturbate also in a relationship, but only when partner is not around.
D. You let your partner know when you need space for solo-pleasure.
E. You’re comfortable masturbating in front of your partner.
Vast majority of people are either B or C. However I want to encourage you to become D and maybe even E.
I personally (and professionally!) think that giving up on solo-play just because you’re in a relationship is damaging to your relationship, and here’s why:
Individuals that ditch solo play as soon as they have a partner are on the fast-lane to disappointment and dissatisfaction. Expecting your partner to fulfil your sexual needs all the time means you’re looking for a sex toy and not a person.
The desire to have sex fluctuates and doesn’t always match. When solo-pleasure is not part of the options, one partner will feel frustrated, while the other one will feel pressured. Non buono.
Comfort with solo pleasure is all about trust and privacy. You deserve 'me-time' without sneaky shenanigans. Having to hide your solo-play time makes you feel guilty instead of intimate, and all this secrecy can cause trouble when caught.
🎯 Reminder: You can be in a healthy, horny relationship and also enjoy solo-pleasure time!
Lesson #2: 5 reflective exercises
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, do these 5 reflective activities to understand how much shame you have around solo-pleasure:
📝 #1: You’re home alone, you have plenty of time and decide to masturbate. What is the predominant feeling that comes up when you think of masturbating? How do you feel after your solo-pleasure session? Do you rush to delete all the evidence or do you lay there in the bliss of pleasure?
📝 #2: Reflect on the physical environment in which you self-pleasure. Do you feel the need to create a sense of safety and privacy, such as locking the doors, closing the curtains, dimming the lights and hiding under the blanket? The more you need to hide the more shame you carry.
📝 #3: Imagine you’re living together with a partner. Your partner goes out to run errands and you decide to masturbate. You don’t hear them return, and ups, they walk in on you masturbating! How does it make you feel?
📝 #4: Do you remember previous experiences when someone walked in on you? How did they react? How did you react? What did you learn from that situation?
📝 #5: Imagine a scenario where your partner expresses a desire for you to masturbate in front of them. How does this idea make you feel? Are you open to the idea, or does it trigger feelings of discomfort and insecurity? What are you afraid of?
Often the underlying feelings of shame and guilt around masturbation can be summed up in the one sentence that many clients have asked me: “is the way I masturbate weird?”
🎯 Key takeaway: When we feel guilty and ashamed of what we enjoy by ourselves, we will inevitably also feel guilty and ashamed to show or share it with our partners.
Lesson #3: Building confidence through solo-pleasure.
I want you to start feeling more confident in your masturbation routine.
First, you are deserving of pleasure and whether you're single or in a relationship, solo pleasure is an essential and healthy part of your sexuality.
How to get rid of all the shame and learn to love yourself and the body you're born with? It's very simple: to overcome shame you just need to masturbate more! Every time you make love to yourself, you let go of that shame a little bit. Until there's no shame left! ❤️
But if this doesn’t convince you, continue reading for some actionable advice to become more confident and comfortable in your solo-pleasure sessions and in front of your partners as well!
Lesson #4: Masturbate in a weird way.
Everyones pleasure is unique and there's no right way to masturbate. But often we get stuck in masturbating in one specific way that may limit our ability to find pleasure from stimulations that don’t match what we are used to.
This is why I think your masturbation isn’t weird enough!
Challenge yourself by trying to masturbate in a weird way on purpose.
Try exploring various solo-pleasure techniques, experiment with different fantasies, toys, positions, and sensations, and I guarantee that it will make you more confident in your bedroom play. By trying to be weird on purpose you’ll discover that there really is no wrong way to masturbate. Besides, it’s just you and yourself!
🎯 Key takeaway: there's no correct way – the key is to discover what feels good, better and the best!
7 Tips to make your solo-pleasure weird
(Be sure to have some water-based lube ready when you read the next part).
Which hand are you using? Your dominant hand or non-dominant hand? Try to switch hands. Even better: can you do it with no hands?
How often do you use porn to masturbate? Use porn only half the times, and use your imagination the rest of the time. Creating space to really tune in and recognise the sensations of the body, instead of relying on pornographic stimulation really helps you to become your own pleasure source. 😎
What position do you masturbate in? Are you used to laying down? Sitting? Standing? There are so many different options available, so spice it up and try to orgasm in a different position each time! ✅
Masturbate in front of a mirror. Watch yourself. Hold eye contact. Learn to love what you see. Fall in love with yourself. Make a solo-sex tape if you’re feeling courageous. 📸
Try orgasm-control techniques (edging).
For a penis google: start-stop technique, squeeze technique, ballooning, tantra, diversion techniques.
For a vulva/vagina: tantra, deep breathing techniques, stimulating everything but the clitoris, start-stop, physical diversion techniques.
I don’t recommend mental diversion exercises because practising thinking about something else during sex is not a habit I want to encourage. 🚫
Play with your body to find new erogenous zones: try nipple play, anal play, or play with temperature, texture, lube, and toys.
And last but not least, do it in front of someone else. The rule is they can’t touch you, they can only watch you! 👀
Want to learn what feels good? Start masturbating today!
When you're ready, here's how I can help:
My kink is to see YOU thriving.
Helina Metsik 💌
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