How to stop faking orgasms.

In this article:

• 🔍 4 reasons why women fake orgasms.

• 👀 Personal Story

• 👉 I stopped allowing men to assume they made me cum when they didn’t. Here’s how.

• ➡️ Three options to choose from if you’re faking it

• 💬 7 step conversation guide to talk about it with your partner

• ✅ Starting a new chapter

4 reasons why women might feel compelled to fake orgasms:

1. Desire to please: Many women have perceived that not reaching an orgasm makes their partner feel inadequate or insecure, leading them to fake an orgasm to reassure and please the partners.

2. Performance anxiety: Women often experience anxiety about their own sexual performance and capacity to reach orgasm. They may worry that taking too long will make them seem “difficult” or “hard to please”.

3. Lack of authenticity: If a woman has only experienced an orgasm handful of times during partnered sex, she may struggle with feelings of frustration and anticipation of not being able to cum. Faking orgasms becomes a habit born out of a desire to avoid confronting the issue with a partner in hopes of solving the problem independently.

4. Hard habits: Even if a woman acknowledges that faking orgasms is not ideal, breaking the habit can be challenging. The cycle of anxiety, pressure, and the desire to please becomes a habit, making it difficult to stop acting in the moment 😨.

How to stop faking orgasms?

First, know that you're not the one to blame. And it’s also not your partners fault. If you want to point your finger at something, point it at the ancient sex scripts that are based on the patriarchal idea that women are here for the male gaze. Throughout history, women's sexuality has often been suppressed by societal norms that maintain power imbalances between genders and prioritize male pleasure.

The orgasm gap is huge because frankly, our patriarchal society called horny women “hysterical” and female masturbation has been either frowned upon or pathologized. So today, many women still feel shame and guilt in intimately getting to know their own bodies, learning about what turns them on, and asking for what they actually desire in bed, as is their sexual right.

So, if you haven’t already, it’s time to start prioritizing female pleasure.

Want to know how I did it?

💋 Story time: I rarely attributed my orgasms to the partners that I achieved them with. I have always been proud of my capacity to generate pleasure in my own body, without the need of external stimulation. This is also called a hands-free orgasm - an orgasm achieved solely through mental stimulation (imagery, fantasy).

The ease with which I made myself orgasm was so not in line with “it’s hard to make women orgasm” script a lot of people subscribe to. Women are fully capable of orgasming as fast and as easy as men. In fact, according to Pornhub statistics 2023, average masturbation times for men and women are about the same.

👉 Fun Fact: the anecdotal evidence gathered by me shows that reaching orgasm in less than 2 minutes is certainly possible for women, but it does require certain conditions to be fulfilled, such as having worked through masturbation shame, knowing your pleasure points, and capacity to enter what I call ‘erotic wonderland’.  🎉

So why is there a gap in orgasm frequency between men and women in heterosexual sex?

Well. As proud as I was about my ability to orgasm, to my surprise it didn’t directly translate into my ability to orgasm during partnered sex. I found myself knowing exactly how to please myself and how to please men, but men had no idea how to please me.

🎯 Key takeaway: Free online porn teaches men and women how to please men.

Something that came naturally to me (orgasming), became a struggle with most men I enjoyed sex with. The handful of times I did orgasm during partnered sex, it had little to do with a partner, and more to do with my ability to bring myself to a verge of orgasm before the sex even starts.

Seeing that most of my partners lacked the education, knowledge and skills to please a woman, i internalized that men must feel insecure due to their limited skillset, and that it’s better to fake an orgasm than shatter their confidence all together.

💬 Confession: To be fair, most times when I “faked an orgasm”, I didn’t actually do anything. I was simply enjoying sex and moaning, and men just assumed I must have orgasmed when I didn’t.

I decided to stop allowing men to assume they made me cum when they didn’t. Here’s how:

➡️ I was fed up with feeling dissatisfied with the quality of my sexual experiences. I made a bold choice: to prioritize my own pleasure above all else. I wanted hot sex that left me breathless with men that were eager to learn about my body and pleasure. I knew I had three options to choose from, and it was time to make a decision.

Now, You have three options.

If you are tired of allowing men to assume that they made you cum, when really, they didn’t… You have a decision to make, and here are your choices:

1. Don’t talk about it with your partner, and don’t expect anything to change. Get used to the idea that the sex you had is the type of mainstream sex you’ll be having for the rest of your life.

2. Talk with your partner about dissatisfaction in bed and how you’ve been faking it in order to keep the peace.

3. End the relationship, start exploring your sex life with liberty and find new partners that prioritize your pleasure.

The choice is yours.

If you choose option #1: Don’t talk about it.

Nothing will change. You’ll get frustrated, maybe resentful, your libido will dry out because the sex you’re faking to enjoy is not the sex that you want to have. The end.

If you choose option #2: Talk with your partner.

This option is easier said than done. A lot of partners would rather have shitty sex life than confess that they are having shitty sex life. However, if you decide that you deserve better sex, and that your partner deserves the chance to learn how to please you the correct way, here’s a conversation guide to help you.

A conversation guide on how to talk about it with your partner.

Step 1️⃣: Know that it’s not your fault, nor your partners fault.

• We live in a patriarchal society and watch free online porn that is created by men, for men, that is penis-centred and revolves around male pleasure.

• Acknowledging the influence of the society we live in is the first step towards pleasure equality in and outside of the bedroom 👍.

Step 2️⃣: Prepare yourself mentally

• Take some time to reflect on why you've been faking orgasms and what you hope to achieve by having this conversation.

• Remind yourself that honesty is key to building trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Step 3️⃣: When you’re ready, bring this topic up outside of sexual activity, when you are both relaxed and won’t be rushed or interrupted.

Step 4️⃣: Start by sharing the following aspects:

• What you love about your partner, what they do well in bed, and what you're enjoying the most.

• Let them know, that you enjoy sex with them, but you haven’t actually orgasmed during most sexual intercourses, even though you lead him to believe that you had 👀.

• Talk about the reasons that led you to fake it, whether it was to spare your partner's feelings, avoid confrontation, or maintain harmony in the relationship.

• Reassure your partner of your love and commitment to the relationship. This conversation is a sign of your dedication to building a stronger, more authentic connection.

Step 5️⃣: Allow him to digest and process this news and be receptive to how he feels about it.

• While you’re preparing for the worst reaction, most partners are actually just disappointed that you didn’t feel comfortable saying it earlier.

Step 6️⃣: Discuss solutions:

• Brainstorm together about how you can work towards a sexual relationship that works for both of you.

• Try different things: focusing more on foreplay, cunnilingus, playing more with your clit, including toys in bed, or something else that what works for you and helps you reach orgasms.

• Consider exploring new techniques, experimenting with different forms of intimacy, or seeking professional help if necessary.

• Another thing you can do is teasing your partner into longer foreplay and oral sex. This way you're more likely to be closer to orgasm when you switch to penetrative sex.

Step 7️⃣: Practice honest communication.

• Giving gentle feedback and showing your partner how you enjoy being touched, helps to build the skills necessary to understand your body language.

• Make a commitment to talk more before, after and during sex.

• Use positive reinforcement, such as moans or sighs, only when your partner is hitting the right spots. And gently let them know when they’re not.

• Compliment him for the effort he makes to please you.

Still afraid to tell your partner? Send them this article!

 🎯 Remember: Your partner cannot build the skillset to please you, if you are gatekeeping what you actually love and enjoy!

If talking honestly about what you would love to include/exclude doesn’t change the quality of the sex you’re having, and if your bedroom desires are still overlooked and you find yourself frustrated and dissatisfied, I would consider coming to sex counselling or moving to choice #3.

Option #3: End everything, and start a new chapter.

Transformative decision! I chose to end the relationships where I wasn’t satisfied, and end my chapter of faking orgasms with it.

👉 When I moved to Italy, I promised myself that I will never leave my pleasure behind. It’s my right to enjoy sex with partners that consider my pleasure just as important as I consider their pleasure.

I decided to start a new chapter where I live intentionally, deliciously, and selfishly for my pleasure. As a woman, that decision was transformational. It was the best thing I ever did, and it’s a big part of the reason why I am a sex counselor today.

What specific changes did I make?

I understood that my pride in being the ‘skilled partner’ wasn't something to boast about 😩. If I really was more skillful, why was I settling for partners that either aren’t willing or able to match my skillset? If I'm the most skilled person in the bedroom, maybe I'm in the wrong bedroom?

I recalibrated my trajectory. I started seeking out partners who found pleasure in pleasuring me, partners who loved to see me cum without insisting on their penis to be the sole source of my pleasure.

Any man who took the lead on the first date, who made decisions on my behalf, was immediately discarded, because the arrogance in assuming they knew my tastes and preferences without asking me was a clear turn off.

🎯 Key takeaway: An essential trait for any man who prioritizes women's pleasure is the willingness to listen and learn from women.

PS: To the men reading this, the fact that you read this article to the very end, means you’re truly ahead of most men. Oh, how I wish more men were like you! 🥵.

PSS: Women, whether you choose option #1, #2 or #3, please know that your pleasure matters, and men are willing to prove it, if you let them!

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. 📝 Work with me one-on-one (link)

2. 🚀 If you’re a coach, counsellor or therapist ready to launch your business, contact me for help: [email protected]

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌