What is healthy sexuality?

Healthy sexuality is like cake

Some people like to eat a lot of cakes, and some don’t crave cake at all. Some people find pleasure in baking cakes for others, while other people are not very good at baking cakes😅. Some don’t feel worthy of enjoying a cake because of the shame they feel around their bodies.

What ingredients go into the cake, can be fun and tasty for some, and can ruin the experience for other people. Just like what is healthy for your sexuality might be awful for me. That’s why cis heteronormative patriarchal cakes still sell, but just because it’s your grandmas favourite doesn’t mean that you need to eat it.

Today I want to help you discover what are the ingredients of a cake you really enjoy. In other words, this article helps you build a recipe for mastering your own healthy sexuality. 📝

What is sexuality?

Sexuality is how we experience and express ourselves, in terms of sexual identity, gender, sexual orientation, sexual expression and exploration.

Your sexuality (and mine!) are influenced by:

Personal factors

• Including biological (genetics, anatomy), physiological (sensations, arousal, pleasure), psychological (traits, desires, fears), and spiritual (connection, purpose) aspects.

• This is all about you — it's how YOU experience intimacy, whether solo or with partners, in romantic, sexual, or spiritual contexts.

• Your sexuality is unique and valid, regardless of how much or little you experience/express it.🎉

Socio-cultural factors

• Sexuality is influenced by family, friends, educators, and broader cultural influences, societal norms, and values.

• This is all about how society shapes sexuality, from laws and religious beliefs, to social media and literature, which in turn impacts how we view and express our own sexuality.

🎯 Key takeaway: our sexuality is influenced by bio-physiological, psychological, socio-cultural, economic, political, ethical, legal, historical, religious and spiritual aspects.

Healthy sexuality is having the awareness of the role sexuality plays in your life. It allows you to navigate relationships with respect, confidence, and informed decision-making, and helps to understand bedroom boundaries and needs.

What is your Healthy Sexuality made of? 👀

Just like baking a delicious cake requires the right ingredients and steps, cultivating a healthy sexuality involves various ingredients that contribute to overall well-being and satisfaction.✨

Step 1: Getting Started

Before we dive into the ingredients, take a moment to prepare yourself. Find a quiet and comfortable space where you can reflect on your thoughts and feelings about your sexuality.

Step 2: Write down 5 words that come to mind when you think of your sexuality.

It could be anything from "sensational" to "scary". Just be true to yourself. This helps you to get a general idea of where you are standing.

Step 3: Exploring the Ingredients

🔍 Now, let's explore the ingredients that you would like to include/exclude from your healthy sexuality. Grab a pen and paper or a digital notepad and create three columns labeled:

1. Benefits My Healthy Sexuality

2. Doesn't Make a Difference

3. Hinders My Healthy Sexuality.

✏️ Below, you'll find a list of words related to sexuality. As you go through the list, place each word into one of the column it best fits for you:

1. Abortion

2. Abstinence

3. Affection

4. Anal play

5. Anxiety

6. Asexuality

7. Authenticity

8. Awkwardness

9. Being single

10. Bi-curios

11. Bisexuality

12. Boredom

13. Boundaries

14. Casual

15. Chemistry

16. Communication

17. Condoms

18. Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)

19. Consent

20. Contraception

21. Curiosity

22. Dating

23. Diversity

24. Education

25. Empathy

26. Exploration

27. Family

28. Fantasy

29. Fetish

30. Fluidity

31. Gay

32. Gender dysphoria

33. Gender roles

34. Growth

35. Independence

36. Infidelity

37. Informed Decision Making

38. Insecurity

39. Intersex

40. Intimacy

41. IUD (Intrauterine device)

42. Jealousy

43. Joy

44. Kisses

45. Kindness

46. Lesbian

47. Liberation

48. Loving

49. Masturbation

50. Masturbation in front of a mirror

51. Menopause

52. Menstruation

53. Mindfulness

54. Monogamy

55. Non-binary

56. Oral Contraception

57. Oral Sex

58. Pain

59. Pansexuality

60. Penetration

61. Pleasure

62. Pornography

63. Positive Body Image

64. Pregnancy

65. PrEP (Pre-exposure prophylaxis)

66. Privacy

67. Public Displays of Affection

68. Queer

69. Religion

70. Reproduction

71. Respect

72. Risk Taking

73. Routine

74. Safe sex

75. Self-awareness

76. Self-esteem

77. Sex Toys

78. Sexual dysfunction

79. Sharing

80. Spirituality

81. STI testing

82. Support

83. Shame

84. Tantra

85. Threesomes

86. Trust

87. Trans

88. Virginity

89. Vulnerability

90. Wholeness.

PS: This list is LONG, but not complete, feel free to add in your own words.

Step 4: Reflecting on Your Choices

After sorting all the words, take a moment to reflect on your choices. Consider why certain words are in each category and how they impact your overall perception of healthy sexuality.

Step 5: Identifying Areas for Growth

📝 Homework: Sometimes our actions really don’t match our vision for ourselves. For example, maybe you added Masturbation in “Benefits” category, but you still feel ashamed and guilty when you masturbate. Go over your list and try to find one thing for yourself that you would like to focus on or improve. Make yourself a promise to work on this aspect of your sexuality.

🎯 Key takeaway: Whether it's seeking out help/education, having a difficult conversation with a partner, or practicing self-care, every step counts towards creating the healthy sexuality you desire to have.

QUIZ

This quiz helps you understand the general traits of individuals who have a healthy sexuality. Use this quiz to get an idea how healthy someone’s sexuality is (I use this quiz in initial states of dating, to estimate if the potential partner has done work towards healthy sexuality).

📌 Instructions: For every question with “Yes” answer award 1 point, count up the total points and read the score card below.

1. Are you comfortable with your own physical appearance?

2. Are you comfortable with the appearance, smell, and taste of your genitals?

3. Do you fully accept and embrace your gender identity?

4. Are you comfortable interacting with individuals of all genders and using their preferred pronouns?

5. Do you fully accept and embrace your sexual orientation?

6. Are you comfortable interacting with individuals of diverse sexual orientations?

7. Do you have access to information and resources to maintain and improve your sexual health?

8. Do you explore, learn about, and try to understand the sexuality of people close to you, even if it doesn’t align with what healthy sexuality means to you?

9. Are you aware of your own boundaries and do you effectively communicate them to your partners?

10. Are you aware and respectful of your partner's boundaries?

11. Can you freely express your sexuality in alignment with your self-image and values?

12. Do you recognise that not everyone's sexuality includes reproduction, penetration, or sexual experiences?

13. Do you effectively communicate your needs, preferences, and boundaries with family, friends, and romantic partners?

14. Can you experience sexual feelings without acting upon them?

15. Are you good at regulating your own feelings and emotions?

Score card:

0-5 Points: Needs Improvement

• Individuals scoring in this range may struggle with various aspects of their sexuality, including body acceptance, gender identity, and communication of boundaries.

• I would recommend them to seek counselling and sex education to address these challenges and work towards a healthier sexuality.

6-10 Points: Making Progress

• Individuals scoring in this range demonstrate some level of comfort and acceptance with their sexuality, but there are still areas for improvement. They may benefit from further exploration and education on topics such as sexual health, communication, and understanding the diverse spectrum of sexual expression.

11-15 Points: Healthy Sexuality

• Individuals scoring in this range exhibit a strong sense of comfort, acceptance, and understanding of their own sexuality as well as the sexuality of others. They effectively communicate their needs and boundaries, respect the boundaries of others, and embrace diversity in sexual orientations and identities.

Congratulations!

You've taken an important step towards understanding yourself and your sexuality. Remember, creating a healthy sexuality takes time, effort, and a willingness to feel awkward sometimes, we’ve all been there… it’s important to not stay there!

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌