How to prepare for your first threesome.

Have you ever had the threesome discussion? The one where either you or your partner jokingly mention threesomes to test each others reaction?

So, you've found yourself intrigued by the idea of threesomes. Now what?

While threesomes are one of the most common fantasies, actually having threesomes is disastrous 9 times out of 10. That happens because, while watching threesomes on porn can be a turn-on, that fantasy doesn’t translate flawlessly into reality…

➡️ Most people who have tried threesomes have never actually discussed needs, expectations and boundaries, and then wonder why it didn’t go as imagined.

So I think it’s wise to start this article with looking at 15 of the most common problems in threesomes. Why? It’s not to discourage you from having a threesome! Quite the opposite - it’s important to know what other people do wrong in order to avoid making the same mistakes!

15 Common Issues in Threesomes

Before the Threesome:

1. Mismatched desires: Partners may have different ideas about what a threesome should look like, leading to misunderstandings or disappointments regarding who to choose, preferred gender and sexual orientation of the individuals involved, and what sexual acts will happen during the experience.

2. Jealousy and Insecurity: Feelings of jealousy or insecurity may arise as partners contemplate who to choose as a third.

3. Finding a Third: Difficulty finding suitable partners who respect boundaries, share mutual attraction, and align with desires and preferences.

4. Pressure or Coercion: One partner may feel pressured or coerced into agreeing to a threesome, leading to resentment, guilt, relationship strain or emotional harm.

During the Threesome:

5. Unequal Attention: Uneven distribution of attention, affection, or sexual activity among participants can lead to strong emotions such as jealousy, insecurity, dissatisfaction or even neglect.

6. Emotions: If these strong emotions are not cared for and processed, they can ruin the experience, traumatise individuals involved as well as damage the existing relationships.

7. Comparison and Insecurity: Participants may struggle with comparing themselves to the third party or feeling insecure about their performance or desirability, impacting self-esteem and confidence.

8. Performance Anxiety: Pressure to perform can lead to anxiety, self-consciousness, and vaginal dryness/erectile malfunction for some.

9. Communication Challenges: Difficulty in communicating boundaries, desires, or concerns in the heat of the moment can lead to misunderstandings, crossed boundaries, or hurt feelings.

10. Physical Safety: Un-safe sex, lack of understanding of body language, failure to read facial expressions, and fear of disappointment or fear of saying ‘no’ ➡️ may result in risky or unwanted sexual acts.

After the Threesome:

11. Catching feelings: Wanting to continue having a sexual and/or romantic experience with the individual(s) involved leads may create conflicts of interest and result in broken hearts or ruined relationships.

12. Relationship Dynamics: as partners are trying to process their experiences and navigate the feelings that come up, they may be trying to renegotiate existing relationship dynamics.

13. Communication Breakdown: Failure to provide aftercare, debrief and discuss the experience openly and honestly can lead to misunderstandings, resentment or conflicts.

14. Boundary Violations: Boundary or trust violations during the threesome may fuel resentment, regret, anger, and disgust.

15. Impulsive choices: When the decision to have a threesome isn’t planned ahead or discussed, participants may experience a range of emotions including guilt, shame, or regret, leading to emotional distress or relationship tension.

What to Know Before Your First Threesome

Now if you’re brave enough to jump into your first threesome, or if you have already had a threesome but you’d like to be better prepared for the next, here’s a complete checklist on things to consider.

But first, let’s give a quick definition to things:

A threesome typically refers to a sexual encounter involving three people, often on a one-time basis.

A throuple refers to a committed romantic or sexual relationship involving three individuals who are all mutually involved with each other.

While a threesome is usually a one-off sexual encounter, a throuple implies ongoing romantic and possibly committed/exclusive connections among the three partners. So, ask yourself, what it is that you’re looking for?

1. Desire:

• Why do you want to have a threesome? If you are genuinely curious and excited to explore, you're on the right track. However, if you're entertaining the idea just to please a partner, it's time to hit the brakes.

• What are your individual expectations and desires for this experience?

• Are both partners equally interested in having a threesome?

• Do both partners have a desire to involve additional participants?

2. Preferences

• Are there any specific preferences regarding the gender(s) of the other participants?

• Do you have any specific preferences for the participants' age, appearance, or personality?

• Decide if you want to try a threesome together with your partner or separately from your partner? 👉 Being in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean that you need to join a threesome as a couple.

3. Friends vs. Strangers:

• Are you open to involving friends or acquaintances, or do you prefer strangers?

• Are ex-partners, mutual friends, coworkers an option or are they off-limits?

• What are the pros and cons of each approach for you?

  • You may prefer not to have sex with friends and people you meet often such as coworkers because of the blurred lines.

  • Or, you might want to have sex with someone you already know and are comfortable with.

🚫 Avoid this mistake: If you're leaning towards involving someone you know, ensure that boundaries are clearly defined. Couples that have a threesome with a friend may end up ruining the relationship, the friendship, or both. Just think twice if you’re ready and willing to cross this line, and if it’s worth it.

4. STI Testing:

• How will you ensure everyone's sexual health and safety?

• Have all participants been recently tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?

• What plans do you have for safe sex practices, such as condom use or other precautions?

• Do you change condoms when changing partners?

• Will you require potential participants to provide recent STI test results?

Agree on the type of safety measures such as safewords, birth control, STI protection and testing. Remember that STI protection and birth control are not synonyms. ➡️ Most birth control methods don’t offer STI protection, that’s why I recommend using condoms and dental dams.

5. Privacy and Trust:

• Are potential participants comfortable with open communication? Can they express their desires, boundaries, and concerns clearly?

• How will you ensure clear and open communication during the threesome?

• What safe words or signals will you use if someone wants to stop or slow down?

• How will you maintain privacy and discretion about the experience?

• Do you trust them to respect boundaries and maintain discretion?

• Who can you tell about the experience and who would you rather not know about it? Are there concerns about someone finding out?

6. Compatibility and Chemistry:

• Do you have a connection or chemistry with the potential participants?

• Have you spent time getting to know them outside of a sexual context?

• Pay attention to the dynamics between all members of the group, not just individually. Compatibility and chemistry should extend to the group as a whole.

• Trust your instincts when assessing compatibility and chemistry with potential partners. If something feels off or doesn't sit right, excuse yourself and leave.

NB: Avoid individuals who:

• Like exactly the same things you do, because they most likely are downplaying their desires to please you, which often ends in regret.

• Don’t ask you questions and don’t allow you to finish when you speak.

• Neglect personal hygiene or safety practices that could put others at risk.

7. Consent and Boundaries:

• Are potential participants aware of and respectful of your boundaries?

• How do they communicate their own boundaries?

• What are your personal hard boundaries or limits? What activities are off-limits for each of you?

• Do you have a plan for handling any discomfort or withdrawal of consent?

• Are there any specific rules or guidelines you'd like to establish for the threesome?

• Not every threesome will unfold the way you expect. If one partner is uncomfortable with the arrangement, it's important to listen to their concerns and be willing to adapt or stop all together.

📝 Homework: Create a table with three columns: 'Hard No', 'Maybe', 'YES!'. This is also called a Traffic Light method. Create a clear overview of what you want, what you’re okay with trying, and what is off-limits. Share your table with your (potential) partners.

PS: Once you have set boundaries regarding your own needs and preferences, also remember to screen well and have this conversation with your partners.

8. Relationship Status:

• Are any of the participants in committed relationships, and if so, have they discussed this with their partners?

• How will this experience impact your relationships?

• Have you considered the potential long-term implications or consequences of having a threesome with these specific individuals?

9. Jealousy and Insecurity:

It's totally normal to feel stronger attraction towards one of the folks in the threesome. But remember, everyone wants to feel special and included, so spread the love around!

• How do you anticipate dealing with potential feelings of jealousy or insecurity?

• Are all participants equipped to handle these emotions?

• How will you process any emotions that may arise during or after the threesome?

➡️ Tip: Acknowledge that jealousy and insecurity can come up no matter how secure the relationship foundation is, and be prepared to regularly check-in with everyone involved to ensure everyone’s enjoying it. If you find yourself excluded, try not to withdraw! Instead, ask to switch positions or go grab a glass of water and come back into the experience. If you notice that someone else feels excluded switch your attention to them and invite them back in.

10. Experience and Expectations:

• What is each participant's level of experience with threesomes or group sexual experiences?

• What level of experience do you want your potential partners to have?

• Have you discussed expectations and desires openly with them?

11. Environment:

• Where will the threesome take place?

• Is the location mutually agreed upon?

• Is the location safe and comfortable?

• Are you able to excuse yourself and leave hassle-free if you should wish to do so?

📌 For safety tips on new hookups (link)

12. Aftercare:

• How will you provide emotional support and aftercare for everyone involved?

• Are there plans for checking in with each other afterward?

🎯 More tips: Don’t forget to include sex toys, bring lube and take breaks!

Where to find potential partners for threesomes?

The key to meeting potential threesome partners really is the same as any other interaction - get comfortable being social, engage with people and present yourself authentically.

What I often notice is that most individuals express a desire for new sexual experiences, yet they often hesitate to pursue them. To meet like-minded individuals, you actually need to get out of the house and be proactive about it! Participate in social events, seek out sex-positive communities, or join activities like dance classes where you can connect with others in a relaxed environment. You can meet people who enjoy sex anywhere! 🎉

You can meet people who enjoy sex anywhere… if you know what you’re looking for, are open to talk about sex (respectful flirting) and prepared to get rejected. You will inevitably meet people who are not interested, don’t make a big deal out of it, just move on and find someone who is interested.

You can also find people through online forums or through dating apps. Even though there are various dating apps for adults looking for threesomes. Use apps that allow making joint profiles for couples, for example Bumble, Grinder or Feeld are fantastic options.

• For couples: You can create a profile together with your partner, and add exactly what you’re looking for in the description.

• For singles: If you’re the third looking for a couple, swipe right on people who actually have the photos as couple on their profile, and ignore individuals who try to invite you for threesomes without showing their partner. Always go for a public meet-and-greet type of coffee chat before moving forward.

Another option is hiring a sex worker! Don’t discard this option prematurely.

What not to do

Don’t be a unicorn hunter.

The term "unicorn hunters" typically refers to heterosexual couples seeking a single woman. While it’s not a bad thing to desire, the "unicorn hunter" stereotype is rather cringy within consensual non-monogamy community due to the mentality behind the approach.

While this is not the article about why being a “unicorn hunter” is creepy, here are some reasons why I (a bisexual woman) do not have sex with people calling themselves ‘unicorn hunters’:

• The term "unicorn hunters" has cis and heteronormative connotation.

• Using the term is often driven by the male partner’s desire to satisfy ego-centric fantasies.

• Bisexual erasure occurs when the male partner views threesomes not as a three-way-sex but as "two women for me," neglecting the validity of bisexuality.

• If having another man present feels "too gay" ➡️ it’s a clear sign of unresolved internalised homophobia ❌

• If lesbian women are dismissed because it diverts attention away from the male partner and towards the female partner, I doubt if any consideration at all is given to women's pleasure.

• Sometimes, to lure in the unsuspecting unicorn, the couple sends over the female partner to flirt with a queer woman. When things start getting hot she reveals that she is not alone and wants to include her boyfriend - gross.

• The hunters often prioritise their relationship over the third. The third is there to spice up the couple and often doesn’t get much in return. Therefore there are fewer and fewer women willing to entertain this dynamic, hence the ‘unicorns’.

• It sounds like unicorn hunters have a hard time attracting a potential willing partner - no surprise, it’s clear why that is.

Don’t get me wrong - you can absolutely look for a woman as your third, and you can be a man looking to have sex with two women, just:

1. Question your heteronormative rules and fantasies 💬

2. Be GGG - acronym invented by Dan Savage and it stands for ‘Good, Giving, and Game’ meaning good in bed, giving equal pleasure, and game as playful and open to new experiences. ✅

3. Be transparent about your intentions with others 👍

4. Never engage in deceptive behaviour 🚫

🎯 The campsite rule is a fantastic guideline: Always leave the place the same or better than how you found it.

Or in other words —> when you interact with someone, always make sure they feel better, or at the very least not worse than they did before meeting you.

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌