Why I love rejection, and you should too.

Psychology of rejection

Rejection is a normal part of the human experience. At its core, rejection triggers a primal response rooted in our evolutionary history: when social acceptance and belonging were critical for survival, individuals relied on group cohesion for protection, resources, and mating opportunities. Consequently, rejection was not just emotionally painful; it was a threat to our existence.

From a psychological perspective, rejection activates the same neural pathways associated with physical pain. This primal reaction is deeply rooted in our brain's limbic system, which governs our emotional responses and plays a crucial role in regulating our mood and behaviour.

Rejection can evoke feelings of shame, inadequacy, and unworthiness. Over time, and over multiple rejections, this negative self-perception can start significantly corroding our mental-health. Furthermore, we suffer not only during rejection, but also while anticipating or suspecting rejection, which can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy (causing the belief to come true), as well as anxiety and depressive disorders.

No-one can escape being rejected, but we can shape how well we respond to that rejection. Through self-awareness you can start understanding better why you react like you do to rejection, and soon you might even find yourself seeking out rejection 🎉

Signs of Fear of Rejection

➡️ So what are some signs of individuals who are afraid of rejection?

👉 Here’s 5:

1. People-Pleasing: Individuals who fear rejection often prioritise others' needs and desires over their own, seeking validation and approval and reassurance that they struggle giving themselves.

2. Difficulty Saying No: Fear of rejection can manifest as a struggle to set and assert boundaries, or decline requests, leading to overcommitment, resentment and emotional burnout.

3. Avoiding Conflict: Those afraid of rejection may avoid expressing their true thoughts and feelings to avoid potential conflict or disagreement.

4. Unhealthy Relationships: Fear of rejection can result in:

   1. Attempts to control your partner to anticipate any potential signs or threats that might lead to rejection.

   2. Never getting into serious relationships in the first place.

   3. Settling for a partner that you're not afraid to lose.

   4. Being as low-maintenance as possible because having requirements would mean those requests can get rejected.

   5. Accepting toxic treatment from others for fear of getting rejected if you’d speak up.

5. Perfectionism: Striving for perfection is often driven by a fear, as individuals seek to avoid rejection by meeting impossibly high standards.

I’m happy to tell you that rejection in and of itself isn’t bad. However, what happens to us (how our nervous system is used to react to rejection) can be unhealthy and corrosive for our mental and physical health.

If you struggle with rejection, you most likely also struggle with rejecting 👀.

People who constantly avoid feeling rejection often struggle also rejecting proposals, invites or advances from other people, because they know how it feels to be rejected. Now the situation becomes really complex, because not only do you struggle with rejection, you also allow people to overstep your boundaries because you don’t want to make them feel rejected. This can lead to multiple unhealthy relationships as well as giving people countless second changes. In best case scenario, these relationships are just a learning moment, but in worst case scenario, these relationships are abusive in multiple ways.

I hope this introduction has been as eye-opening for you as it has been for many of my clients who are stuck in the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

You are now starting to realize how significant the skill of being open to being rejected, as well as knowing when and how to reject others, really is.

Let’s deep dive into how-to start loving rejection.

🎯 Key takeaway: You cannot find the parter you desire, if you don’t first reject the partners you don’t desire. And inevitably, you have to accept that partners who are not for you, will reject you too. You’re not everone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.

Rejection is not reflection of your worth.

It's crucial to separate our sense of self-worth from external validation. Believe it or not, but romantic rejection has very little to do with you. Rejection is often a subjective response influenced by various factors beyond our control, such as personal preferences, circumstances, and timing. By recognising that rejection is not a judgment of our worth as individuals, we can shift from “they rejected me” and move towards “they rejected what I proposed”.

When we learn to separate ourselves from the rejection, we can start approaching rejection with curiosity.

Once you're able to create space between yourself and rejection, you can start looking at the rejected proposal with curiosity. Instead of shutting down, blaming or complaining, I invite you to open yourself up to it. Take a moment to truly feel it. What does rejection really taste like? Was it truly as bad as you anticipated? What were you so afraid of? It’s time to get curious about why you're feeling tense and defensive when faced with rejection. What does rejection trigger in you?

It's essential to start this introspective work to challenge distorted perceptions of self and replace them with compassionate self-talk. Remember, rejection is not a reflection of you.

✨ Truth or Dare? ✨

📝 Let's play a game. It's called truth or dare, and you get to choose:

Truth:

• Reflect on a recent experience of rejection. How did it make you feel? What thoughts and emotions arose? What was the worst part?

• Have you ever avoided pursuing an opportunity out of fear of rejection? Describe the situation and how it impacted you. Do you regret not taking the opportunity because of your fear?

• What are your deepest fears or insecurities related to rejection? How do they influence your behaviour and decision-making?

Dare:

• Challenge yourself to pursue one thing that you've been avoiding due to fear of rejection.

• Do something on purpose with the goal of being rejected. Ask a hot stranger out for a coffee. Tell someone you love them even if you know they don’t feel the same way. Ask for your partner to go down on you. Allow yourself to be seen and heard, even if it feels uncomfortable.

• Think back on the last experience of rejection. Get really intimate with your feelings of rejection. Sit in your rejection and name every fear that came up. Feel it. Bonus points if you journal about it.

Avoiding it hurts more than going through it.

It takes time to build new habits, especially if these habits include rewiring your nervous system and building new, better coping mechanisms. So from now on, take every possibility to be rejected as nothing more and nothing less than someone saying “no”. You asked for something, and the answer was no. Nothing more. Nothing less.

However, if you struggle with saying “no”, you most likely also struggle accepting when other people say “no”, because how dare they? Right? 👀

👉 If this resonates with you, I’m inviting you to reject someone. This week, when someone asks you something, say no. Reject their proposal. How comfortable you feel with rejecting someone. Are you terrified of rejecting them? Are you anticipating their reaction? To you feel guilty when they say “no”?

🎯 Rejecting others can be really challenging for someone who struggles with setting boundaries. Here’s 4 things you can start doing today to practice the skill of saying “no”, necessary for setting healthy relationships:

1. Practice Low-Pressure Tasks: Start by saying "no" to small requests or invites that you would usually accept. For example, decline a hug and offer a high-five instead. Begin with simple gestures and requests, gradually increasing the complexity as you become more comfortable.

2. Set Clear Expectations: Be transparent about your boundaries and expectations when meeting new people. Communicate openly with your partner about what you are comfortable with and what you are not willing to tolerate. Treat stating your needs like disclosing food intolerances – serious and non-negotiable.

3. Embrace Saying No: Make saying "no" a game until it becomes a habit. Challenge yourself to say “no” even if you don’t need to, and especially if it feels uncomfortable.

4. Sleep on it: If you struggle with immediate refusals, buy yourself time by requesting to think it over. Use phrases like "Let me sleep on it" or "I'll get back to you tomorrow." If face-to-face rejections are difficult, opt for a delayed response via text.

📝 Homework:

1. Start by saying "no" to three small requests or invitations that you would typically accept. Practice with friends or family members in situations where you feel safe and comfortable.

2. Reflect on how it feels to assert your boundaries and say "no." Notice any sensations of empowerment or relief that arise from prioritizing yourself and your needs.

3. Gradually increase the difficulty of your refusals, challenging yourself to decline larger requests or invitations. Remember that every "no" strengthens your ability to set boundaries and gives more value to the things you say “yes” to.

🎯 Key takeaway: You're not accountable for how someone reacts to your "no". Similarly, others aren't responsible for your emotions when they reject your proposal. Recognize that rejection simply means a "no".

🎯 Recap:

• Rejection is not reflection of you.

• Would you rather feel regret or rejection?

• Avoiding rejection hurts more than going through it.

• If you struggle with rejection, you most likely also struggle with rejecting.

• Recognize that rejection simply means a "no".

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌