How much casual sex do you need?

Very few people live intentionally. So it’s natural to expect that most people also date un-intentionally. Uhhh but what does it mean, unintentional dating?

➡️ Unintentional dating means that you go on dates without the clarity of knowing what you look for.

Most people are on dating apps, well because most people are on dating apps! We do what everyone else is doing, we swipe and scroll for entertainment and we try to match with other attractive people on the app to see if they also find us attractive.

🎯 Key takeaway: Very few people actually make a conscious decision of what they’re looking for before they open the app to swipe.

You wanna have better sex and relationships? You have to get intentional.

Who has casual sex? Everyone.

Single people have casual sex, people in relationships have casual sex with people they’re not in relationship with, and married people might have casual sex outside the marriage.

And yes, some of it also falls into the category of cheating. But why?

In order to understand how human relationships work, I’m doing research for Dr. Zhana’s Lab. While we’re in the process of collecting data, here’s what is clear so far:

As a species of individuals relying highly on relationships, we have 2 main needs:

1. SECURITY

2. EXPLORATION

Our theory is, that human relationships are based on the combination of need for security and exploration. And that some people have higher need for exploration and less for security, and that others have higher need for security, and less so for exploration.

This is why some people crave monogamy, and other people feel stuck in monogamous relationships.

Mind blown, right?

🔍 To complicate this even more, these needs are not stable, they can change over the course of time, and if you once craved more exploration, you might start craving more security instead, and vice versa.

If you have high need for exploration, then you most likely also have high need for sexual exploration and novelty. Let’s look more closely:

If you have high exploration need and:

• low need for security = you’ll most likely be single and fucking around, and have a high turn-over rate in your mostly casual relationships.

• medium need for security = you might have friends with benefits, multiple sexual relationships, or you might explore committed relationships with multiple partners (polyamory).

• high need for security = you might be in a monogamous relationship but also feel stuck because of your high need for exploration. You might explore together with your partner (threesomes, play parties) or outside of your monogamous relationship (infidelity, open monogamy).

People with high need for exploration might have higher levels of infidelity because they still need security in the form of primary partner while their need for exploration often goes misunderstood and miscommunicated*.

Did I blow your mind again? 🤪

*However, having a high need for exploration isn't a direct cause for cheating. There are numerous other prevalent reasons why someone might engage in infidelity, including low self-esteem, feelings of revenge or anger, low commitment, situational factors, and relationship history.

So based on what we’ve learned today, let’s try to see how much casual sex do you need.

Exploration through casual sex

🎯 Casual sex is an umbrella term for sexual activity between individuals that are not established sexual partners and have no romantic or emotional commitment.

Pros and cons of casual sex really depend on your needs...

Some people aren’t interested in serious commitment at all, some use casual sex to get over an ex, others are afraid of getting hurt and therefore stick to casual encounters. The pros and the cons of casual sex for each of these three scenarios are very different.

So let’s bring back intentionality. How intentional are you in the choices you make that affect your romantic and sex life?

👉 To make intentional choices that align with your needs and that build healthy horny relationships that you desire to be in, you need to be intentional in all phases of dating:

1. Intentionally seeking for a partner

2. Intentional dating

3. Intentional relationship

4. Intentionally ending the relationship

Most people I meet (clients, friends, friends-of-friends, strangers) aren’t intentional in any of these 4 phases of a relationship.

📝 Homework: before you jump into new casual or committed experience, consider the following list:

1. Be aware of how much security you personally need, and how much exploration you need. Try to determine if you are seeking an exclusive monogamous relationship, casual companionship, more than one partner, or simply meeting new people.

   • 📚 Recommended reading: different types of monogamy and ways to explore within a monogamous structure. (link)

2. Consider your past experiences. Have you ever cheated on your partners? What need did this fulfil for you? How would a relationship where this need is fulfilled look like? 👀

3. You don’t need to give up on exploration in the name of security, but you do need to intentionally and openly communicate this to make sure your (potential) partners are okay with this.

4. If you have high desire to have sex with attractive strangers then casual sex is definitely for you.

   • If you’re single - enjoy it! ✅

   • If you’re in a relationship, communicate your desire to pursue other people to your partner. Give yourself and your partner a chance to make it work - if it doesn’t, then it’s better to intentionally end the relationship than to cheat. ❌

5. Are love and affection from a partner necessary for good sex? If yes, casual sex is not for you. If you have high need for exploration aim for committed sexual partners (friends with benefits, swinging), try having fun together with your primary partner (threesomes, play parties) or multiple loving partners (polyamory) instead.

Hope this helps! 👌

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌