How to have successful long-distance relationships

The main difference between long-distance and same-location relationships is obviously physical proximity. However, I have noticed that long-distance couples have problems that can be roughly divided into 6 categories. These 6 categories are:

1. Communication

2. Loneliness

3. Trust

4. Future

5. Jealousy and insecurity

6. Shared experiences

Let’s take a deep dive into each category.

Issue 1️⃣: Communication

• “I don’t want to talk about serious things on the phone”

• “It's tough to find time to talk without interruptions.”

• “It’s not the distance but the time difference that really bothers me.”

Maintaining effective communication can be difficult across different time zones and schedules. Misunderstandings may arise due to the lack of non-verbal cues (body language, emotion display), ignored indirect signs and delayed responses.

Issue 2️⃣: Loneliness

• "I feel so disconnected from you, especially when I call and need your support and you don’t pick up the phone."

• “I miss you, I don’t know how long I can wait for you to come back."

• "Seeing other couples together makes me feel so sad and lonely.”

• "Not being able to cuddle you when I'm feeling down makes me feel even more alone."

• “Sexting really isn’t doing it for me, I miss the way you used to touch me.”

Being physically apart can lead to feelings of loneliness, especially if the communication isn’t very deep and the schedules or time zones don’t permit flexibility for virtual dates.

Issue 3️⃣: Trust

• "I hate feeling paranoid, but sometimes I can't help but worry about what you're doing when we're apart."

• "It's not that I don't trust you, but distance makes it harder to shake off doubts.

• “I wish I could stop overthinking everything."

• "It's like I'm caught between missing you like crazy and worrying about what you're up to."

Trust is crucial in any relationship, but distance really makes it worse because texts and calls often don’t portray our true emotions in real time and this can exacerbate suspicions and lead to doubts about commitment.

Issue 4️⃣: Future

• "The uncertainty about when we'll be together again makes it hard."

• "It's like I’m waiting for a train that never arrives, you know?"

• "I worry that our relationship won't work out if we can't find a way to close the distance soon."

Uncertainty about the future, not knowing when you’ll meet again or whether the relationship will survive the distance, can create anxiety and tension. It's this constant worry and anticipation of potential future failure, rather than the failure itself, that corrodes the relationship and leads to a break up.

Issue 5️⃣: Jealousy and Insecurity

• "I hate feeling jealous, but it's hard not to when I can't be there to see what's really going on."

• "I know it's irrational, but seeing you tagged with that person made me jealous."

• "Can't shake this feeling that you prefer to be with your friends rather than have a video call with me."

Seeing or hearing about your partner interacting with others, particularly people of the gender and appearance they find attractive, can trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity, and attempts to control or keep an eye on your partner.

Issue 6️⃣: Shared Experiences

• "It feels like we're living separate lives."

• "I wish you were here to experience this with me; it's not the same without you."

• "I feel that we're growing apart because we're not creating new memories together like we used to."

Partners may feel disconnected from each other's daily lives and miss out on shared experiences that are vital to build and maintain a strong bond.

What can you do about these 6 issues?

You probably can find (more than one) sentence that you can deeply relate to. That sentence is in a specific category (Communication, Loneliness, Trust, Future Plans, Jealousy/Insecurity, Shared Experiences), which is reflective of the problem you’re having.

One you recognise the category you can start working on fixing that part of your relationship ✅.

How to build healthy horny long distance relationships

Now, here's some actionable advice for each category to help you fix common struggles in long-distance relationships:

Communication

• Schedule regular video calls or phone dates to have more meaningful conversations 💬.

• Send voice messages to add personality to your communication.

• Remember that the quality of your relationship doesn’t depend on the speed that you answer your text messages with. Always assure each other that it is okay not to answer immediately, and that you prefer the quality of your connection, over the quantity of messages and speed of replies 👍.

• Ask your partner if they’re available to talk, when your partner is exhausted, in a rush, or distracted then arguments are quick to arise.

• Learn to communicate without needing to feel guilty or over-explain. Use sentences like:

  • Right now is not a good time for me. Can I call you back later?

  • Now is not the best time because…

  • I have a lot on my mind and I’m not in a space where I can be fully present right now.

  • I don’t have time for a video call but I am open to have a voice call while I’m getting ready instead.

  • I have something I would like to discuss, when could you have 20min of uninterrupted time?

• If you’re having difficult conversations and you are getting offensive or defensive, then ask for a time off to self-regulate, here's what helps:

  1. Let your partner know you are getting overwhelmed or frustrated and you need some time to process this; don’t just hang up the call or ignore the texts.

  2. Aim to return to the conversation within a reasonable time frame, and thank them for giving you some time to process. Resume the discussion within an hour or a few hours, avoid pushing the problems to the next day.

Loneliness

• Focus on building emotional intimacy through communication: learn to share your thoughts and feelings, even when they’re negative or hard.

• Plan synchronised virtual activities: thematic date nights (Taco Tuesday, Beer and Burger Fridays), online multiplayer games, or app-controlled long distance sex toys 😍.

• Plan unsynchronised virtual activities, such as watching the same tv-series, doing a fitness challenge, online self-paced courses, or writing poems for each other ✅.

• Explore virtual physical intimacy through sexting, sharing fantasies, video calls, phone sex or virtual mutual masturbation 💦.

• Gift each other long-distance interactive sex toys designed for couples in separate locations 🔞.

Trust

• Build trust by reassuring your partner of your love and commitment, and show up regularly to your scheduled virtual dates and phone calls.

• Understand that trusting your partner is your responsibility, what they do with that trust is their responsibility. No amount of control will guarantee that this trust won’t be broken, if anything, engaging in controlling behaviours only augments the feelings of distance 🚩.

• 👉 Practice transparency and honesty in your communication to address any doubts or suspicions proactively and before they’re blown out of proportion.

Future Plans

• Set goals together, such as planning your next visit or discussing potential vacation plans. Make concrete plans for the next time you meet 🎉

• Maintain open communication about your long-term goals and how you see this relationship evolving 💭.

• Support your partner's personal and professional growth, no matter the distance. Allow them and yourself to pursue success without worrying about the relationship. There’s a reason why you’re not moving into same city just yet - whatever that reason is, understand that your shared future goals are worth the temporary separation.

Jealousy and Insecurity

• Establish boundaries and expectations regarding social, romantic and sexual interactions to build trust and transparency.

• Define what you consider cheating and what is allowed/not allowed in your relationship📝.

• Learn about different types of monogamy to help you define your relationship structure (link). Having monogamous long-distance relationship doesn’t have to be boring 👀.

• Learn about your exploration needs to understand how likely you are to crave casual sex (link). You may be able to negotiate a mutually satisfying long-distance relationship with terms and conditions that work for both of you ✅.

• Determine whether a long-distance relationship is a feasible option or if it will become a time bomb due to mismatch in expectations regarding monogamy and commitment.❌

• If it’s a time bomb, consider online couples counselling to overcome your insecurities and learn to manage your jealousy 👍.

Shared Experiences:

• Create new shared experiences by exploring virtual activities together, such as cooking the same recipe simultaneously, or being on a video call while you do your daily chores or smart-work👌.

• Find creative ways to stay connected to each other's daily lives, for example share photos of the best part of your day. Another thing I love to do is to take nudes and send them to my long-distance partner as a postcard! 💌

• Design your own long distance relationship rituals (read this to learn how!)

• Have a weekly or biweekly scheduled 3 hour virtual date-night that you both prioritise. This way even if workload is high and you don’t manage to communicate during the week, you have time set aside for each other that you can look forward to 📆.

Hope this helps!

When you're ready, here's how I can help:

1. Individual counselling session (link)

2. Couples counselling sessions (link)

Learn more (link)

My kink is to see YOU thriving.

Helina Metsik 💌